Thursday, April 7, 2011

AI Results Show Recap: River Deep, Mountain High, Show Horrible

Ten seasons I have been watching American Idol, and every season there has been at least one decision that has made me irate. But none worse than the results of tonight's show.

Since the top 13 started, five female performers (Ashthon, Karen, Naima, Thia and now Pia) have been voted off. Two females and all six males remain, and many of the male performers have delivered weaker songs than some of the females. But when you allow the American public—which consists of 95 percent preteen, tween and teen girls—to wholly control the results of the show, more often than not the "cute one" wins.

The results show itself is starting to show its cracks as well. Seriously, how many "Steven Tyler, Walk This Way" signs do we need?

The rock and roll medley was less than stellar—the beginning of I Love Rock and Roll was too low for Haley, and both Scotty and Stefano screwed up the lyrics to The Letter.

The Ford Music Videos (this week "acted" to KISS' Love Gun) are becoming more irrelevant every week.

Russell Brand as a "charisma coach"? Seriously? Isn't it enough the man is stomping on the ghosts of Dudley Moore and Sir John Gielgud with his Arthur remake?

The first set of results brought out Casey, Lauren and Stefano. Ryan asked Casey if he saw Kelly Clarkson's Facebook post, in which she said "I might have a bit of a crush on Casey on American Idol this season. He's super cute and obviously super talented." Casey played coy (annoyingly), causing Ryan to say that Casey "is not going to be [Kelly's] Justin." (Poor Justin Guarini. Always the punch line.)

Then we were treated to a performance by season 4 contestant Constantine Maroulis, who was recently passed over to reprise his Tony-nominated role in the film version of Rock of Ages. He sang Unchained Melody, which, given his arrangement, was more like Unrecognizable Melody. Seriously, there's "doing your own thing" and then there's this mess. He has a much better voice than he did when he was on the show, but ugh.

Gwen Stefani admitted she's "not a stylist" (really?) and we got to relive the horrors that were last night's female fashions.

Then Ryan promised "no sweet escape" (ooh, a Gwen Stefani pun) for one of the next group of contestants—Paul, Scotty and Pia. Ryan asked Pia if she felt she had the stamina and endurance to become more comfortable on stage every week, which was a crappy question. And then he revealed that Pia was in the bottom three. The judges looked shocked (J.Lo's best acting since Enough) and someone said something the censors didn't like.

We had a very long and unnecessary "media training" session with the contestants and TMZ. Maybe Donald Trump could come on next week and talk about why he believes President Obama wasn't born in the US?

James, Haley and Jacob were up next to find out their results. Mercifully, Jacob's hubris sent him to the bottom three and the silver stools of shame.

Iggy Pop, please put on a shirt. That is all.

Results time. Ryan said that all three contestants "had such an impact on our show this year."

He said to Jacob, "Last night you said if you made it into the bottom three, it wasn't because you sang the song badly, but it was because America was afraid to look itself in the mirror." And then he said, "Jacob, you will be leaving us...and going back to safety on the couch." (I died a little inside, because I knew what was going to happen at that point.)

And then Ryan announced Pia was going home. The judges again were shocked and upset. J.Lo, in tears, said she couldn't understand how it happened. Clearly she forgot that the only contestant she gave any criticism to last night was Pia.


Jacob was "perfect in every way."
Haley "showed she was a contender."
Casey "was where he belonged" and she wanted to be in the front row.
Lauren "did beautifully."
James "showed his emotional side and engaged the audience."
Scotty "was having fun, is funny and has a little flavor."
She knew Stefano "had it in you, baby."
Paul's performance "was the perfect way to end the show."

And Pia? Pia "should study classic performers to learn how to move around the stage better." Again, maybe she wasn't completely comfortable onstage, but she did not deserve to go home before many of the contestants.

This show needs to fix itself. Fast. Again, if this is the search for a cute male singer, let's call it "American Male Idol" and be done with it.

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