AI Results Show Recap: "Not This Time, Baby"

Whenever I watch one of American Idol's results shows, I am struck by several things. I am amazed how much time is wasted doing absolutely nothing for the sake of ratings, I wonder whether the producers give signs to the audience because they always seem to be a little too appropriate all the time, and I question how much joy Ryan gets from manipulating the emotions of contestants whose emotions are already stretched to the brink of hysteria.

With a "Steven Tyler for President" sign in the background, the judges were introduced. I wondered if J.Lo's puffy, one-sleeved blouse came from Karen Rodriguez's "J.Lo- and Selena-inspired" collection.

After a dramatic introduction of the contestants ("let's open the doors and have your top 13 come on out") we got down to filler to business. We saw recaps of Wednesday night's performances and the reactions from Jimmy Iovine, the contestants and the judges. We had an overlong segment introducing the mansion the contestants are living in, complete with super-happy-bunny Jacob yelling into the wind and getting an echo. (The echo actually said, "Dial it down, Jacob," but the camera didn't pick that up.)

And then it's time for a Michael Jackson medley. Can we teach these kids to lip sync before the medleys start? Lauren and Stefano were featured quite prominently.

Before the oh-so-tantalizing Ford music video, Ryan informed us that Casey was in the hospital, which is why he wasn't on the show. (This makes the second time in two weeks he's been hospitalized. According to his Twitter feed, he's feeling better now that he has "fresh blood" in him.)

Wait! More filler, did you say? We got footage of the top 13 on the red carpet during a premiere of the upcoming Red Riding Hood movie (so once Hollywood turns all television shows and comic books into movies, the fairytales are clearly next) and even an awkward interview with the movie's doe-eyed star, Amanda Seyfried.

And now, your results! Jacob, Stefano and Karen were chosen first. Jacob, when asked how he thought his performance went, said he "messed up a few notes but pulled it back together." (Really? No.) Ryan excitedly told all three "You're all safe! Except Karen!" (Way to go, Ryan.) Karen sadly went off to one of the stools of doom. (Why not just give these kids chairs of nails or something?)

Adam Lambert (with a subdued new haircut) returned to the land of Idol to sing a stripped-down version of his song, Aftermath. (New audience sign: "Eve (Hearts) Adam." Clever.) A dance-mix version of the song is available online, and the proceeds go to The Trevor Project. Such a nice boy, that Adam Lambert. Apparently he even indulged Nigel Lythgoe and took a picture with "Adam Lambert 2.0," James Durbin. (It is pretty cute. Check it out.)

Next up: Lauren, Haley and Ashthon (sporting hair reminiscent of Season 4 contestant Nadia Turner mixed with a little of Sanjaya's faux-hawk). Ryan focused on Lauren first, mentioning that the judges "were really tough on you last night." She pouted a bit and then said after watching her performance back, the judges were right and "it sucked." After a swelling round of sympathetic applause (probably secretly led by Nigel Lythgoe), she burst into crocodile tears only to be told she was safe.

Here's the thing. The judges weren't really tough on her. All of them told her how amazing she was, what a great singer she is, but that the performance could have been better or, in Steven's words, "more kickass." To pretend otherwise is just another desperate way this show chooses to manipulate the truth to try and control the outcome.

I'm finished now.

The judges dissected Haley's performance, with Randy once again saying he didn't think it was right for her and then Randy and J.Lo kept suggesting she sing different types of songs. (R&B! Blues! Pop!) Then, to further confuse matters, since Randy decided Haley's hippie-inspired clothes resembled "the young Stevie Nicks," he recommended she sing Stevie Nicks songs! Haley babbled a bit to no avail, and then Ryan told Haley that both she and Ashthon were in the bottom three. With the remaining contestants realizing they all were safe yet stuck in that "Do I cheer? Do I appear sad for the bottom three?" dilemma, Ryan ordered them—seriously—to celebrate.

Diddy Dirty Money (say that five times fast) performed, and then Ryan let Karen/Selena know she was safe to vocalize for another week.

So then it was down to Haley and Ashthon. Ryan reminded everyone (for the millionth time) that the judges had the option to pretend they'd even consider to use their one save.

He then revealed that Ashthon had received the lowest number of votes. She chose to sing "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" again, and did a better job than she did on Wednesday night. But to no one's surprise (except, perhaps, Ashthon's), the judges "unanimously" decided not to use the save.

"Not this time, baby," a teary J.Lo said. "I've always rooted for you, but I'm sorry." Clearly this is the part of her job that J.Lo is going find most difficult, but I was glad the other judges didn't have to console her this time.

The best part about eliminations is David Cook's rendition of "Don't You (Forget About Me)." Great song, great movie, great singer.

And there you have it...not as funny but not as full.

"I Am a Troll"...

In one of his numerous tirades over the last few weeks, Charlie Sheen lashed out at his Two and a Half Men co-star Jon Cryer, calling him, among other things, "a backstabbing troll."

While Cryer (forever the Duckman) and several of his other co-stars have remained mercifully silent during all of Sheen's drama, Cryer finally took to TBS' Conan to set the record straight. And what he says may surprise you.

The Fragility of the World...

I woke up this morning (as I'm sure many of us did) to discover that an 8.9-magnitude offshore earthquake hit northern Japan, followed by a major tsunami that killed at least 60 people. High wave warnings have been issued for Hawaii, and as far away as the west coast of the US and South America.

I also found out that a friend's grandmother passed away after a long illness. All of these events once again prove to me how precious life is, and how fragile our world truly is. While cherishing each moment of every day is easier said than done, how can we not?

My thoughts and prayers go out to those affected.

Book Review: "The Intimates" by Ralph Sassone

I really enjoyed this book, but it is really difficult to describe. Reading it taught me a valuable lesson—the description of a book on its inside cover isn't always accurate.

The Intimates poses an interesting question: can you write a story about a friendship when in two-thirds of the book, the friends aren't ever together? Robbie and Maize became friends in high school. Once they removed the sexual component from their friendship (as Robbie began accepting his homosexuality), their relationship grew, until Robbie moved away, leaving Maize fairly rudderless. They reunited in college, where Robbie described their relationship as serving as each other's "human diaries," the person to whom each can divulge their most personal or painful insights or secrets.

The book is divided into thirds. The first third follows Maize in her senior year of high school, where she is longing to do something different but is too afraid to act; the second third follows Robbie on his trip to Italy to visit his estranged father and his girlfriend, where he makes what he thinks is a shocking discovery but is saved in just the nick of time from divulging it; and the last third follows the two as they, along with his new boyfriend, help Robbie's mother pack to move to a new house. This is a simplistic description of the multi-layered plot, which explores how friendship can at times be both an anchor and a weight.

This is a very well-written and intriguing book. Some of the language Sassone used was absolutely beautiful, and parts of the book definitely tugged at my emotions. I felt that he created two immensely complex, if not particularly likeable, characters. And that, fundamentally, was one of the two reasons I liked this book but didn't love it. I had trouble finding a great deal of sympathy (or empathy, frankly) for either Robbie or Maize most of the time. Sassone also didn't give me enough evidence that Robbie and Maize actually cared for each other the way you're told they do. But that being said, the book has gotten stellar customer reviews on both Amazon and Barnes & Noble, so I'd say it's worth reading.

AI Top 13 Recap: Idol Worship from the Idols

So after the highs and lows of last week's Top 24 performances, the cruelest cuts (wherefore art thou, Robbie and Kendra?) and the questionable saves (Ashthon, I'm looking at you), it's time for the Top 13 to perform!

This week's theme was "Songs from Your Idols," which, loosely translated, meant "Songs by People the Judges Told Me I Sounded Like" or "Songs I Just Felt Like Singing So I Conveniently Worship the Singer." J.Lo was on the scene with super-red lips, like one of Robert Palmer's band members in the "Addicted to Love" video.

Lauren started off the night by sharing that Shania Twain was her idol and she'd be singing Any Man of Mine (attempted last season by Siobhan Magnus). Lauren wanted a song that "showed off her personality" and explained that Shania was the first country diva, and "hopefully I'll be a country diva someday." The producers she worked with stuck to their producer-approved script reminded us what an amazing singer and talent Lauren was.

The performance, sadly, was just blah. Sure, it probably did show off her personality but not her voice, and she seemed out of breath on some of the notes. The judges, while somewhat disappointed (Steven hoped for a "more kickass" performance), told us how amazing Lauren is (J.Lo broke out her first lie of the evening, telling Lauren "you always sound amazing") and how "crazy talented" she is. Lauren pouted through the judges' criticisms, saying "I didn't want to do a ballad like everyone else does" and then said "Steven, I'm sorry." And then she called Ryan "Peaches" again. (A public service announcement for Lauren: For reasons I've not quite figured out, you're clearly one of the producers' serious favorites. But if your attitude keeps up, your fans won't. Other contestants who have been pimped in previous seasons smiled and took the criticism. Stop pandering to the judges and the host. It's creepy when Karen does it, too.)

Joe Cocker is Casey's idol. In his typically self-deprecating way, Casey explained that Joe Cocker "didn't look that hot either" but has an amazing way of feeling songs, and Casey "just wants to be felt." He started out singing With A Little Help from My Friends sitting on the stairs, and when he got to the first "with a little help from my friends" line, several backup singers came out and stood near him. It was a really quirky, at-times-brilliant performance, but he needs to watch the shouting. As I've said with other contestants, just because you can do it doesn't mean you always need to. I'd love to see him dial it down a bit in the intensity department next week, but he's amazing.

The judges were wowed. J.Lo said that at one time in the performance she grabbed Randy and asked "What am I watching?" and then realized "I'm watching somebody important." Randy switched back to his old irrelevant self for a moment (the two sides of Randy went to war quite a bit last night) and told J.Lo "she was watching American Idol, Season 10, The Remix!" Steven praised Casey's "rainbow of talent" and said he showed a "plethora of passion." It's better than Paula Abdul, y'all.

And then came Ashthon who, not surprisingly, claimed Diana Ross as her idol. (Not surprisingly when the judges said last week she should sing Diana Ross.) The pre-performance footage had Ashthon claiming that she "had never sung this high before," which had my dog running to hide. (Can't quite figure out why Jimmy Iovine would invite Berry Gordy to watch this performance, unless he's plotting a takeover of Motown, but I digress.) Clad in a silver gown from the opening number of the pageant in Miss Congeniality (minus the Statue of Liberty crown), she sang When You Tell Me That You Love Me. (Fortunately, there were no scary high notes.)

It just wasn't good, no matter how the judges tried to pretend it wasn't-but-was. Randy praised the song as a "safe move" and said he "saw [her] grow, even through the sharp(!) and flat(!) notes." Steven said that "there was still a lot more inside Ashthon she could show us" and J.Lo called her "elegant, amazing and awesome." (I took notes, I swear.) If she's not in the bottom three tonight, I may hit a high note I've never hit before.

Alt-rock god Ryan Adams is Paul's idol. (Quick show of hands: how many of you cringed inwardly when you thought he said Bryan Adams?) He sang Come Pick Me Up while doing his trippy dance all over the stage (which looks good on Paul, but when Ryan tried it afterward he looked like a marionette) dressed in an outfit from Target's upcoming "Remember the Alamo" collection. (I kid.) Paul's performance was, well, quirky. And bad. But I'm guessing it was true to who Paul is as a performer. The judges struggled but praised his voice and his uniqueness, with both J.Lo and Randy saying that they hoped America "got" his performance. While I think Ashthon should go home before Paul, if he wants to stay on the show, he needs to kick it up a bit.

Pia decided to continue her power-ballad streak with an AI standard, Celine Dion's version of All By Myself. (Pia, did you read my recap from last week comparing your performance to Latoya London's rendition of that song? If so, you're welcome.) Although I didn't get the beige cape on the back of her dress, I thought Pia was pretty fantastic. What I liked the best was that she knows which notes she can hit and sustain, and which ones she shouldn't linger on that long. J.Lo said she wondered what Pia could do to top her performance last week but thought she did, Steven said she "polished the apple" with that performance and Randy broke out the holy Whitney/Mariah/Celine triptych, saying you shouldn't sing them if you can't, but she "hit the notes dead on" and gave a "hot, dope, cool" performance. (Old Randy strikes again.)

As an aside, is it necessary to have commercials with Jennifer Lopez during the show?

Our resident screamer, James, shared that "Paul McCartney from The Beatles" was his idol. He chose to tone it down with Maybe I'm Amazed, a song I freaking love. And tone it down he did—both in dress (only one scarf, one dangling chain and one earring) and in vocals. Yes, there was a little howling, but it worked so well. This may have been my favorite performance of the night. The judges loved it too—Randy, after reminding everyone he used to be a member of Journey, said "Yo, this dude is amazing. James Durben is dangerous because this dude can sing!" Steven praised his melodic quality and J.Lo, after praising his amazing performance, reminded James of what is probably her mantra: "If they want to clap, let 'em clap."

Haley decided to change it up, singing LeAnn Rimes' Blue. (Anyone wanna guess what color dress she wore?) Haley laid off the vocal gimmicks and let the beauty of the song come through, and her voice was dead on with the yodeling, although parts were a little low for her. Steven said it was "so, so fine," comparing it to Rimes' original recording. J.Lo praised Haley for the "special things she does with [her] voice," but Randy disagreed. He called it a "sleepy" and "boring" performance, comparing it to something you'd hear at a luau. (I guess someone got Simon's book of similes and metaphors upon his departure.) Sadly, however, Haley decided to answer Randy's criticism, although her baby-doll-after-a-shot-of-whiskey voice wasn't audible without the microphone. I just wish they'd tell the contestants it wins them no points when they argue with the judges. Even Justin Guarini (remember him?) apologized for backtalking to the judges.

And then came Jacob. To quote my friend Leah, "Is Jacob always on 10? Can't he dial it down a bit? Maybe to 8?" Well, that wasn't going to happen here. Jacob mentioned that R. Kelly was his idol, and he'd be singing I Believe I Can Fly. (Bonus points for nine-year-old Jacob's Kid & Play-inspired haircut.) It started out fine (despite the backdrop like you were free falling from a plane) but then the gospel choir came out (a friend on Facebook asked if it was time for the Ruben Studdard finale again) and Jacob started shrieking. Oh, and not on key, either. Egads. This, to me, encapsulates everything I don't like about him, because it was so over the top it left the top in the dust.

Steven said Jacob's performance was "pure music, pure passion, so good it couldn't be judged," J.Lo said how she gets asked who's going to win the competition and she says it's anyone's game but Jacob is "at the top of the list," and Randy's new alter ego said that Jacob "hit some sharp notes" but it didn't matter. (It mattered later, though.)

Our little young'un, Thia, was up next. She grabbed a page out of Ashthon's book—Randy's comparison of her vocal tone to Michael Jackson's last week compelled her to sing Smile this week. (You know, the song by "Charlie Chapman." Oy.) The song started out beautifully, but then the producers added some jazzy bits in the middle, where Thia wasn't as strong vocally, but she closed the song quite well. Which brings me to a fundamental question: how much should the contestants be criticized for the arranging of a song? Discuss.

The judges again praised Thia's vocal tone, but called her out for being pitchy in the middle. In the "confession cam" later, Thia broke down crying, asking America to "keep the dream alive for me" because she could do "a lot more better." Break, heart.

Stefano was up next, and he worked with a producer on a new arrangement of Stevie Wonder's Lately. It was sort of soul-meets-disco and while I didn't love the arrangement, I thought Stefano was nearly impeccable vocally. The judges agreed—J.Lo, after calling Stefano "baby" (better watch out, Mark...a younger and fresher model is underfoot) she told him he sounded great, and Randy, after invoking the whole "Stevie is hard to sing" mantra, said he wondered "Where's dawg taking it," but absolutely loved it.

Here's a news flash: Karen's idol is Selena. Shocker. I'm trying to decide whether it's endearing or creepy that she has Selena barbie dolls and everything. Anyway, Karen decided to sing I Could Fall in Love but promised a "Beyonce pop/rock vibe." What she didn't promise was a fairly lackluster performance. You knew she was in trouble when J.Lo opened her feedback with the damning "You look so beautiful." She said that she sensed Karen was "uncomfortable with the notes" but she's usually spot on, and she's "one of our strongest girls." (Really? Maybe 6th strongest?) Randy said it seemed like she was "fighting the song." Oh, and by the way, her bizarre outfit, which she designed herself, was "inspired by J.Lo and Selena." Ugh.

I didn't think our Josh Turner-loving Scotty would choose Josh Turner as his idol, so I wasn't surprised he chose Garth Brooks. He sang The River and, as he told Jimmy Iovine, he planned to change a little bit of the song but mostly leave it the way it was. And he was terrific. Scotty has a fantastic voice and a charming personality, and the spareness of the song worked really well for him. The judges and the audience went understandably wild. Randy told Scotty he could put this out as a record (what's a record?), J.Lo said that she saw Scotty "open up as a performer," and Steven? Well, Steven quoted an Elton John song called Roy Rogers, saying "There's a song that goes 'The carpet's all paid for, God bless the TV, let's go shoot a hole in the moon. And Roy Rogers is riding tonight.' Well, you're riding tonight." (No clue what that meant, but where does he come up with this stuff?) Ryan then forgot Simon was gone, as he started making snide comments about the backdrop when Scotty was singing, saying it was a picture "from Randy's trip to the Ozarks."

Naima closed the show, choosing to sing Rihanna's Umbrella. (She worked with Rihanna's original producer.) Complete with rain graphics as her backdrop, Naima sang, danced and even broke into an original rap in the middle. (Oh, and wearing a Jamaican flag-inspired neckerchief.) She's a really cool performer, but not quite ready for singing and dancing, as she lost her breath during some of the phrases. I still think that Naima isn't sure of who she is as a performer (do I sound like Kara?) but the show definitely benefits from her being in it. Her biggest fan, Steven, admitted there were pitch problems but said she was "crazy good." J.Lo explained that Naima was on fire, so she "didn't care" whether she was pitchy. Randy suddenly got defensive and said he does care about pitch, but still enjoyed the performance, and said that Naima could record a reggae version of the song. Naima dedicated the performance to her husband and then explained that the judges made complete sense, and she "overstands" their criticism. (Is that a deeper understanding?)

All in all, it was a pretty good show. I think the bottom three should be Lauren, Ashthon and Karen, but I think the bottom three will probably be Ashthon, Karen and Haley, with Paul a possibility.

We'll see after tonight's results show, or as I like to call it, "53 minutes of filler and trickery, and 7 minutes of substance."

Sometimes One Primal Scream is All You Need...

Today was a fairly crappy day. I've been struggling with some type of stomach bug for the last few days, and after eating mostly soup and saltine crackers, I'm kind of on edge.

Combine that with the stress of work, and you get a situation as volatile as Peter Brady's volcano demonstration for Marcia's friends. I'm not all that good with stress (I know that some of you are shocked by that confession), but I've discovered a pretty amazing panacea.

The primal scream.

While screaming briefly at the top of your lungs isn't tremendously appropriate in a professional situation (unless your professional situation involves loud music or a wrestling ring), it also works if you sit in your car for a minute or two, scream and then return to your desk. (It's also quicker and healthier than a cigarette break.)

If escaping the clutches of your office isn't a possibility, the virtual primal scream has also proven effective. On your computer, open up a blank document and type whatever you'd scream, in 48-point type or higher, and PRESTO!

Stress alleviated.

Try one or both of those remedies. If they help a stress junkie like me, they're sure to help you.

And you don't even have to thank me.

Book Review: "Hero" by Perry Moore

Loved. This. Book.

Growing up isn't easy for Thom Creed, and it's not just your typical teenage angst. His mother disappeared one day and his father, once a revered superhero named Major Might, was disgraced after a rescue attempt went awry, so he now hates all heroes. Problem is, Thom has just been invited to join The League, the organization of superheroes that rejected his father. And to top it off, Thom is just coming to terms with the fact that he's gay, which makes two major things he can't discuss with his father.

The League is populated with heroes that are versions of those we've come to know and love—Uberman (Superman), Warrior Woman (Wonder Woman), King of the Sea (Aquaman) and the Galaxy Twins (Wonder Twins), to name a few—as well as some more interesting heroes, like Typhoid Larry, whose power is to get people sick. (It works, believe it or not.) As Thom gets more involved with The League, he realizes he must learn to harness his powers correctly and deal with his real feelings at the same time. And of course, that's when things start to get threatening—both from an external villain and a scandal within the League itself.

I found this book tremendously entertaining and really emotionally touching. I'm a big superhero fan, so it was interesting to see how Perry Moore created the different heroes along with their strengths and quirks. And while the superpower stuff was a lot of fun, Thom's emotional journey, dealing with his feelings about his dad, his powers, missing his mother and his sexuality, makes him a truly complex and appealing character I could identify with on a number of levels. I raced through this book (at super speed?) and was sad when it ended. Even sadder is the fact that Perry Moore died unexpectedly a month or so ago at the age of 39, so his plans for a series featuring Thom may never happen. If this sounds like a book you might be interested in, go for it. You won't be sorry.