After Ever After...

I'd never heard of Jon Cozart, aka "Paint" before, but I am absolutely blown away. This guy is a freaking genius, and he is crazy talented.

In "After Ever After," he outlines what life was like for the Disney princesses after their happy endings ended. And it isn't pretty. (Pretty funny, yes.)

If you're easily disillusioned, or you're not in a place where you can laugh out loud, save this for later. And check out his YouTube channel, where he does spoofs of movies and other things.

Happy Pi Day!!

It's 3.14, which means it's Pi Day! I don't know about you, but I can always get into a holiday, however manufactured, that is built on dessert. (It's the math I have trouble with.)

AI Recap: I'd Stand Up, But My Skirt's Too Short...

On last night's show, clearly brought to you by Jimmy Iovine and Interscope Records, was mostly a snoozefest, punctuated by a few star-worthy performances. (Seriously, what was with every contestant talking about how amazing it was to meet Jimmy, how nervous they were, blah blah blah?) And the snoozing, I believe, was mostly due to one of the worst theme choices ever—"Songs of the American Idols," a mishmash of songs sung by the winners on the show plus songs they've recorded post-Idol. As you might imagine, there were some tired songs on this show.

Nicki was about 7-10 minutes late for the episode, ostensibly "stuck in traffic" on her way to the studio. Or she heard Curtis' tepid and off-key performance of Fantasia's I Believe in rehearsal, and figured she could skip it. Seriously, dude. You said you didn't want to "top" Fantasia's performance? Well, no danger there! (Syesha Mercado covered this in Season 7, and I thought she did a pretty great job.) First of all, Curtis was wearing a jacket made from bandannas or horrible paisley curtains, and oh, vocally he was an utter mess. He was off-key nearly the entire song and the choir didn't help him any, and the sharp high note he threw in at the end smacked a little of desperation, like when figure skaters throw in a triple salchow at the end of their routine because they fell on another jump earlier on. For some reason, however, the judges wouldn't criticize his vocals, although Keith said Curtis' adrenaline "caused you to sing above where you were supposed to." Randy said "a couple of things were great," but said Curtis kept trotting out the same type of inspirational songs, and he wanted him to do something different. (Like sing on key and be less pompous? Oh, probably not.) Mariah disagreed with Randy, saying she wanted more of Curtis' "gospel-tinged" vocals, and even mocked Randy, saying that "Randy wants you to do a rock album."

Jimmy told Janelle she needed to stand out because there are "lots of blonde country singers" out there right now. She decided to sing Montgomery Gentry's Gone, which Season 10 winner Scotty McCreery sang. (LMFAO when Jimmy said that Scotty took "lots of genres" and turned them into country songs. No, he sang everything the same way.) While Janelle's performance was upbeat and pleasant, she just doesn't have a particularly strong or memorable voice, and again, I don't think she should have made it even this far. She is by far the weakest woman in the top 10. She said she got "cotton mouth" during her song. Keith said Janelle was "burning it up" onstage (hardly) and he liked her "LeAnn Womack-y runs." Nicki told "King Arthur" that last week's song suited her better, and she wished that she'd sing songs "that show the pretty part of your voice," but still called her "electrifying." (Take your hood down and your sunglasses off, Nicki. Maybe then you'll hear and see what's going on.) Randy said "the song didn't lead anywhere," while Mariah contradicted herself as always, saying she would love to hear Janelle sing a ballad or mid-tempo song, but that her "aura was giving us 'star'."

Devin chose to sing Carrie Underwood's Temporary Home. I love the song and think, when it's done right, it has the power to move you emotionally. Devin mentioned in his meeting with Jimmy that he identified with some of the lyrics because he was raised in a single-parent home. Regardless, that emotional connection didn't translate into a memorable performance. I thought he was bland and disappointing, although he hit all his notes. Keith said it wasn't one of his better performances and said that while the song was good for Devin's voice, he appeared to be nervous, unlike his usual confident self. Nicki disagreed, saying that Devin didn't look afraid, he looked professional, and felt this showed another facet of his talent. Randy called it "way too safe," saying he mistakenly underplayed it, because "you got to go for broke every time." Mariah explained it wasn't Devin's vocals necessarily, but "we expect so much from you because you have the ability to do so much vocally." Ryan said, "If you're here next week, you'll show a different side of you, right?" Devin corrected him, saying, "When I'm here..."

Jimmy warned Angie that she has a tendency when performing to seem like she's performing in a beauty pageant. She shuddered and said, "I would never want to compete in a beauty pageant." I'm going to stay off my anti-pageant-bashing soapbox for the time being, but just say, if you don't want to sound pageanty, perhaps you shouldn't sing a song that has been performed better by pageant contestants, in this case, Jill Brooks, who won a talent prelim at the 2011 Miss Tennessee Pageant. Anyway, Angie chose to sing Celine Dion's I Surrender, originally sung by Kelly Clarkson, and covered by Anthony Federov in Season 4 and Season 8's Lil Rounds. When Angie finished singing, Keith said, "As do I, surrender." He called Angie "such an artist, because you can take any song and make it feel current." (I didn't feel this one was current, actually.) He also said that Angie's higher register was very pleasing to the ear. Nicki said Angie looked like a billion dollars, that her "legs are giving me everything I need today." She called Angie "perfection on every level," said her voice was flawless, and that she was "a thousand billion percent amazing." Randy did his all-too-tired declaration combination of "The competition starts now!" and "This girl is in it to win it!" Mariah said, in her shortest critique of the evening, "What did I think? Stellar."

Jimmy reminded Paul not to oversing, not to overthink, and for goodness sake, don't be theatrical. "You're not running for president!" Paul chose to sing Lonestar's Amazed, which Scotty sang in Season 10. (This song has been covered to death on this show—by Josh Gracin in Season 2, Matt Rogers in Season 3, even Baylie Brown in Season 11. And there's no video proof of any of it.) Truthfully, I thought this was Paul's best vocal, as he hit some big notes but didn't overdo it. He certainly deserved more praise than I think he got. Keith said it sounded as if Paul had been listening to the judges' critiques, and called it one of his better performances, suggesting he "stay on this track." Nicki told Paul, "This is the first time you've stimulated my sexual appetite," and said this was a good song for Paul's voice. Randy told Paul he wasn't going to comment on the sexual appetite (thank you, Dawg) but called it a "great song choice," although he wanted Paul to stay in a higher register longer. (Of course, last week he told Paul that when he got intense, it wasn't pleasant to listen to, so what would you expect?)

All hail Candice. She sang I Who Have Nothing, covered by Jordin Sparks during Season 6. Holy frigging crap, she was that good. Control and unleashed vocal power, ridiculous range but softer parts, too. I hope she's this good every week. She just has a performance quality that is head and shoulders above everyone on this show except Kree. (Totally different vocal, but equally as slaying, IMHO.) Keith, Randy, and Nicki gave her a standing ovation. (I did, too.) Keith said, "Just know if we had more time, we'd still be standing and clapping for you." He praised her effortless command of the notes and how she "never let the audience pull you out of your zone." Nicki suggested, "It would be in everyone's best interest to never sing this song ever again," even recommending the song be "banned from the show" because Candice "destroyed" it. (Nicki, if only they'd ban certain songs from the show...maybe you can get them to do it.) She said Candice combined "vocal gymnastics fused with a fresh, current, ill style." Randy loved it, but gave her the tepid, "This is one of the greatest performances on the show...this season." Mariah said that every time Candice is on stage, she's mesmerized and transfixed, and feels her performances in her heart. Apparently last week, after Candice's performance, one of her minions Mariah tweeted, "Candice, wow!" She also explained that her skirt is too tight, which is why she can't stand up to give her a standing ovation like the other judges.

Lazaro looked dapper, like a young Bruno Mars, in a turquoise jacket and skinny black tie. Unfortunately, that was the most inspired part of his performance. He chose to sing Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway, previously covered by Katie Stevens in Season 9. He hit some good notes, but mostly the song seemed out of his range. Keith asked him why he chose that song. I felt really bad for Lazaro trying to get his words out, but ultimately he explained he identified with the lyrics because he grew up in a small town and left his family to try his hand at performing. Keith said the performance wasn't in his wheelhouse, Nicki called it her least favorite performance of Lazaro's, chalking it up to Jimmy's criticism that Lazaro often forgets his words or seems lost in his performances, which I agree is untrue. She did tell Lazaro he looked like "a cuddly Ricky Ricardo." Randy said his pitch was all over the place, and Mariah condescended, saying "people are falling in love with your courage." Oh, and Mariah knows what it's like to overcome obstacles.

I'm not sure what Jimmy was smoking when he told Kree not to oversing, something she's never done, but it didn't matter. She absolutely slayed Roy Orbison's Crying, originally sung by Carrie Underwood in Season 4. Not quite sure why that performance wasn't worthy of a standing o, though. Keith trotted out the "you could sing the phone book" compliment, but then told Kree if she made a record tomorrow, he'd buy it in a heartbeat. Nicki called Kree's performance "smooth, delicious fun," and then said something like, "Sometimes when I'm hungry, I want waffles—buttermilk waffles—and I put some Aunt Jemima maple syrup on them, and a little butter, and then put it in the microwave for a tiny bit to warm it all up. That's how your performance made me feel." Randy was perplexed, but told Kree he loves her and loves her voice, and from the first note of every song she sings, he's drawn in. He also said her performance made him feel good all over. Mariah said it was obvious Kree has an enormous range.

Of all the songs Burnell could have chosen, he chose Ruben Studdard's Season 2 coronation song, Flying without Wings. God, it reminded me of how disappointed I was when he beat Clay Aiken that year. Burnell lost the glasses for this performance, not that he would have been able to see anyway given the clouds of smoke/fog wafting all over the stage. It's a really boring song and I don't think he did much with it. Keith praised the "unique timbre" of Burnell's voice and the so-called "Burnell-isms" in his performance. Nicki admitted to being "obsessed" with Ruben's album and that song (really?), and said that Burnell is well on his way, although she loved last week's performance better. Randy said he "vindicated the dudes" with his performance. Mariah talked about how emotional Burnell makes her when he sings. Ryan snarked, "It looks like the smoke has traveled all the way from Vatican City." Hee.

Getting the pimp spot for the second time this season already was Amber, who chose Kelly's coronation song, A Moment Like This, which Jimmy inexplicably suggested she should sing up-tempo. Thankfully, she didn't, although she brought an interesting interpretation to the song, and proved her ability to sing while being battered about by the wind machine. She hit some big notes, and I really like her voice, but like her performance last week, I feel like she rushes through songs and doesn't hang on some of the notes as much as she should. Keith, Randy, and Nicki gave her a standing ovation. Keith told Amber that "the way you perform is how I feel when I listen to you, simply effortless." Nicki called it the best performance of the night (I guess her memory only lasts past one or two performances, because this wasn't better than Candice and Kree), and said that Amber's aura and voice remind her of Whitney Houston on her first album. Randy said Amber "blew it out the box," called it "so perfect," and said, "Guys, the girls are killing you tonight!" Mariah said, "Hashtag 'Pow!' To critique you is unnecessary." (Except, that, well, it's your frigging job!!)

It will be interesting to see if the bottom three is all guys tonight, or if Janelle winds up there because she sang second.

My bottom three:
Curtis
Lazaro
Janelle

What I think might happen:
Curtis
Lazaro
Devin

I honestly think that Curtis or (sadly) even Lazaro should go home, although Devin could, because he's been slightly less pimped and doesn't have Lazaro's back story. Hopefully not, though.

Tonight, Bon Jovi, Phillip Phillips (hooray), and an utterly unnecessary "sing off" for a spot on the tour between two people no one cared about enough to vote for. Plus, if we're lucky, an awkward group routine, a Ford music video, plenty of fakeouts and manufactured drama! Who says Thursdays stopped being fun after "Must See TV" went off the air?

Book Review: "We Live in Water" by Jess Walter

Jess Walter's Beautiful Ruins was one of my favorite books from last year. I loved the dreamy, magical way it captivated a struggling seaside town in Italy, and a young hotel owner, riled up by the arrival of a Hollywood actress.

Walter's new story collection, We Live in Water, is more gritty than dreamy, but his amazing storytelling ability shines through any setting. The main characters in each of these stories are men who are struggling with one thing or another—addiction, relationships gone wrong, professional failure, etc., and many of the stories have left me thinking about them even after I finished.

I had a number of favorites in this collection, including: Anything Helps, which follows a homeless man vacillating between wanting to pull his life together so he can be with his son and falling back into the morass of addiction and panhandling; Thief, in which a man tries to figure out which one of his children is stealing from the family's vacation fund; The New Frontier, which follows an unlikely pair of former high school friends on a mission to rescue one of their sisters from a life of prostitution in Las Vegas; Don't Eat Cat, a futuristic story which is, in essence, about the self-destructive impulses we all have; and the title story, which follows a lawyer who returns to a town in Idaho to try and find out what happened to his father, who abandoned him 30 years earlier. The collection ends with Walter's skewered look at his hometown of Spokane, Washington (the setting for a number of the stories), from which you can see where he found inspiration for some of the stories in the collection. A few of the other stories are a little too short, and seem to end before they really get going.

As I've said a number of times when reviewing short story collections, I used to steer clear of short stories because I felt cheated not to have had enough time with characters or a storyline I really enjoyed. But now, I realize that short story collections actually afford us a window into so many different characters and situations, more than we'd normally get in a novel. And the stories in Walter's collection, thanks to his amazing talent, are so memorable that I would love almost any one of them to be expanded into a full-length novel, just so I could find out what happened next.

This is a terrific collection of stories about people we might not notice, or want to associate with, in real life, but the lives they live are tremendously intriguing and compelling.

Movie Review: "Oz the Great and Powerful"

Despite the fact that the classic L. Frank Baum novel and its movie adaptation are called The Wizard of Oz, the Wizard himself isn't really the focus of the story, as it's Dorothy's journey to Oz with her compatriots that captures most of the attention. But have you ever wondered what brought the man behind the curtain to Oz, or why he was the way he was?

Your wondering is over thanks to Sam Raimi's somewhat uneven but captivating film, Oz the Great and Powerful. Like the movie it sprung from, this one begins in Kansas, and in black and white. Oscar Diggs (James Franco) is a magician in a traveling circus, a somewhat unapologetic shyster and inept ladies' man, who always finds the need to stay one step ahead of his audiences—not to mention his fellow circus performers. He has a long-suffering assistant (Zach Braff, still with his Scrubs smirk) and he's about to let his one true love (Michelle Williams) get away. When he makes the mistake of romancing the circus strongman's girlfriend, he needs to flee quickly, so he makes his escape in a hot air balloon—directly into a twister. (Who could have guessed?)

When the balloon crash lands in glorious technicolor, Oscar realizes he's not in Kansas anymore, but Oz. He is greeted by glamorous witch Theodora (Mila Kunis), who quickly believes that Oscar is the wizard that the citizens of Oz have been waiting for since the Wicked Witch killed the previous king. Theodora is also quick to believe that Oscar is her romantic destiny, a fact that her mysterious sister, Evanora (Rachel Weisz), is more than happy to manipulate. And Evanora is also able to manipulate Oscar into doing her dirty work, as she convinces him he must destroy fellow witch Glinda (a luminous Michelle Williams). Along the way to hunt Glinda down, he picks up a flying monkey sidekick, Finley (Zach Braff), and a little china girl (Joey King).

Of course, Oscar quickly realizes that Glinda isn't the problem, but she wants his help in convincing her subjects they can take on the actual Wicked Witch. (Or witches.) But that's precisely what Oscar wants to avoid, as always, since he'd rather flee than face trouble, or lead anyone anywhere. But that wouldn't work for the movie, now would it? So Oscar, Glinda, and the citizens of Oz (including the munchkins) use the power of self-belief and the sleight-of-hand magic that inspires Oscar to fight back against their enemies, which leads to the film's somewhat protracted (and inevitable) conclusion.

This being a Disney movie, it's definitely geared toward children, who will enjoy the film's magical and sometimes slightly disturbing effects, and the genesis of the characters they've come to know and love. I'll admit I was somewhat captivated from time to time, even though I knew what would happen, because I felt the film's primary message, stressing the importance of believing you can achieve greatness, is a positive one. But the film takes some time to get going, and has about two endings too many.

As the star of the movie, I expected James Franco to be a much more dynamic presence. Even when he's in his flimflam stage back in Kansas, he never projects any kind of bravado you'd expect from someone in this position. I know Robert Downey Jr. was originally discussed for this role, and I could only imagine what a twist he might have brought to the film. But Franco falls flat most of the time, and I don't understand how he could inspire anyone. Michelle Williams is a perfect Glinda, not quite as saccharine-sweet as Kristin Chenoweth in Wicked, but definitely someone you'd want to follow anywhere, while Rachel Weisz tears into her campy role with the appropriate amount of gusto.

All in all, this is a somewhat enjoyable, slightly overlong spectacle of a film which, like its title character, has a great deal of flash but not a tremendous amount of substance, although it does have a heart deep down inside.

Book Review: "Eleanor & Park" by Rainbow Rowell

Do you remember what it felt like the first time you fell in love? How you wanted nothing more than to spend every waking minute with that person, talking about nothing, experiencing everything, and you counted down the minutes, or the days, until you saw them again? Do you remember how you over-analyzed everything the person said, trying to figure out if there was some hidden meaning, some sign the relationship would or wouldn't go the way you wanted? That all-consuming craziness of first true love, thrown into the emotional maelstrom of high school, is the basis for Rainbow Rowell's fantastically quirky and sweet new novel, Eleanor & Park.

It's 1986. Park Sheridan is a half-Korean high school student trying his best just to blend in. He has good friends, yet spends much of his time practicing tae kwon do with his father and younger brother, obsessing over his Watchmen comic books, and listening to music by The Smiths and Joy Division. The first time Eleanor walks onto the school bus (I kept being reminded of Molly Ringwald's quote from 16 Candles, "I loathe the bus"), Park is blown away by her height, her bright red hair, and her unique dress code. Although Eleanor shares Park's seat on the bus, they don't speak at first, for fear of causing ripples in the social strata around them. But little by little, things begin, as Park starts sharing his comic books and making Eleanor mix tapes, and they finally start speaking to one another, and suddenly they realize how much they look forward to these moments.

But of course, the course of love—and life—never runs smoothly. While Park's life is a fairly open book, despite his somewhat challenging relationship with his father, Eleanor's life is much more complicated. Moving back in with her mother, her new husband (who threw Eleanor out a year ago), and four siblings, she lives in constant fear of causing her stepfather to notice her. And her mere presence, especially as she and Park grow closer, has seemed to incense many of her fellow students, who ridicule and bully her for just being her. This constant guardedness affects both her and Park, as she is constantly questioning the things he says and does, and he is worried every time he says something that she'll take it the wrong way. And she doesn't want Park to fight her battles, yet he is constantly compelled to. But despite all of the challenges and roadblocks, they just can't get enough of each other.

When the situation at home becomes too much to bear for Eleanor, she makes a difficult decision, and Park, despite what it means, helps her. The ending is a tiny bit improbable, but it doesn't matter, because it shows how each views their relationship, and the other's place in their world.

I found Eleanor & Park to be right on target in so many ways. I felt that Rowell's dialogue was humorously authentic without being precious or precocious, and she perfectly captured all of the anxieties—social and emotional—of high school and first love. Above all, I loved these characters so much, that I was rooting for them and found myself completely captivated by their story. I raced through this book and, of course, I'm now sad it's done. Definitely recommended for those who love quirky relationship stories, and although this is classified as a YA novel, it's definitely geared for all readers. I hope you like it as much as I did.

Cool cover song of the week...

I've always been a Fleetwood Mac fan, although I grew a little tired of them—especially Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)—during the Clinton presidency. However, one of my favorite Fleetwood Mac songs has always been Go Your Own Way. I love the way the members of the band's vocals blend in this song, and the lyrics—which is about the complicated relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham were having at the time—are really great.

The song was the lead single off the Rumours album and went to #10 on the Billboard Hot 100, becoming the group's first top-10 hit in the U.S. It is ranked number 120 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time and is on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll list.

I first heard Lissie's more introspective version of the song when it accompanied a dance routine on So You Think You Can Dance. (No matter how much the show frustrates me, it has opened me up to a lot of fantastic musical artists I might not have heard otherwise.) Since then, it's appeared in a number of commercials and other places, most recently in previews for the Josh Duhamel/Julianne Hough movie, Safe Haven. Those of you who have been following my Cool Cover Song posts probably recognize I really like it when artists change up a song and make it a little more introspective, so this certainly fits the bill.

Here's Lissie's version:


And, for a trip down memory lane, here's the original:


Check out my previous Cool Cover Songs of the Week:

Borderline by The Counting Crows

How Deep Is Your Love by The Bird and The Bee

Life in a Northern Town by Sugarland, Little Big Town, and Jake Owen

I Don't Want to Talk About It by The Indigo Girls

Only You by Joshua Radin

Pure Imagination by Maroon 5

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by Blake Stratton

What a Fool Believes by Neri Per Caso

Poker Face by Daughtry

Back to Black by Ronnie Spector

I Will Survive by Cake

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by The Stereophonics

Rolling in the Deep by John Legend