Book Review: "The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, Second Edition" by Alan Downs, PhD

I don’t read much nonfiction beyond an occasional memoir, but this was our book club pick for August. We read the second edition, which was revised in 2011; the original was written in 2005.

The book is organized in three stages that the author believes describes the journey of most gay men. The stages are arranged by the primary manner in which gay men handle shame, from being “in the closet” and fearful of their own sexuality, to overcompensating by being more “successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine,” to building a life based on their own values instead of feeling like they have to prove themselves.

“While we are different, we are at the same time very similar to all others. We want to be loved and to love. We want to find some joy in life. We hope to fall asleep at night fulfilled from our day’s endeavors. In these aspirations and appetites we are like all men and women. The problem is, our path to fulfilling these basic human needs has proven to be fundamentally different from the well-worn paths of straight humanity.”

While I recognized moments from my own coming out journey in the book, I also felt at many times the author was making generalizations that didn’t necessarily apply to me. I do understand that some may have a poor relationship with their fathers because of their sexuality, but that wasn’t the case for me.

What we found from our book club discussion is—unsurprisingly—every person’s experience is different, so the book resonated in different ways with each person. Some felt this was a powerful and valuable resource; others didn’t feel as connected to the book.

I probably wouldn’t have read this if it weren’t for the book club, but it definitely made me think. And sometimes that’s what reading does for us.